although my life is hardly very complicated, i often tell my friends how "small" i feel within my own world. it's kind of like vulnerability? but somehow it feels different. it shifts how i view myself and others. when i have a difficult day, when i'm stressed or anxious, or when putting in an inordinate amount of time at my job to meet a client's demands, may feels "small". the complicating factor here is that employers don't hire "small" people. they want capable, willing people who can be raked over the coals and come out the other end swinging. so i kinda deal with this feeling by pushing them down and meeting my problems at their level. but sometimes may wishes she could just be, "small".

now if you know anything about may you know that i am a bit of a pervert for things like size difference. i dunno if this is the chicken or the egg, but they're intrinsically linked. playing with just how "small" i get to be, and how "small" i am perceived as, these are fun concepts for may. obviously there's a physical component here. i am pretty tall and not easily mistaken in a crowd, but within almost all of the roleplayed kayfabe that i participate in i opt to be far smaller than that. maybe this is a grass is always greener situation, but it just seems so much more preferable to be small and adorable than unwieldy and big (not without its appeal! but not really my thing, usually...)

if physical size were the only component of this, i wouldn't talk in bizarre riddles about it. being "small" isn't just, being small. it's about social hierarchies, expectations placed on the individual, responsibility and emotional fortitude. and all of that is to say, being "small" makes me feel like i am on a lower rung than others. it feels like i have less capacity to deal with the stressors that everyone else seems to handle seamlessly. of course, i am a bit of a crybaby too, so there's that emotional component.

for a long time i viewed all of this as a failure that needed to be expunged but lately i've been allowing myself to reconcile all of this and interrogate the feeling. i am allowing myself to fantasize about a may who is given some levity, space to exist, and a helping hand when the overwhelming expectations of the world she is in comes crashing down. it's a pleasant shared escapist fantasy that i can retreat to with some of the friends who are willing to indulge me. the roleplayed encouragement, doting and care -- idk if it helps me get through it, but i certainly feel a lot more capable than i ever used to be when it comes down to it.

obviously none of this is a substitute for self care and confidence and growth and all of that. i do make sure i'm not just succumbing to some fantasy world and ignoring my problems... i try to remind myself that being physically big isn't all bad, and i don't need to be small to be cute. by most metrics, i'm successful in the ways that i need to be (job, shelter, loved ones, mental health), so maybe it's all just perspective?

but it would be nice just to be small, if only for a little while